But For Real Episode 27: Sex Therapy & Kink with SanTasha Wright-Comer ⛓️

Podcast
Written By Colleen Conklin

Today we have such an exciting episode and a special guest. Santasha Wright-Comer, LMSW, is a Sex-Informed Therapist here The Gaia Center who believes healing and pleasure go hand in hand.

SanTasha Wright-Comer LMSW Sex Therapist Kink BIPOC Nashville

A proud wife and mom of two, Santasha brings both warmth and realness into her work, especially when supporting LGBTQIA+ and BIPOC communities in finding safety, joy, and intimacy in their relationships. When she’s not in session, you can catch her in dance class, laughing with her family, or researching the latest mods for The Sims 4.

In this episode, SanTasha shares so much wisdom related to sex therapy, sex positivity, and kink.

This episode covers:

Tea & Crumpets

SanTasha is currently obsessed with playing The Sims 4 (nostalgia anyone?!). She’s played Sims since she was a preteen, and she recently got back into it thanks to all of the new mods that are available—including ones related to sex and BDSM that are very relevant to today’s episode!

Val is loving Listers: A Glimpse Into Extreme Birdwatching - from Owen & Quentin Reiser. It’s about two brothers who dive into professional birdwatching, dedicating a year to traveling across North America to list as many birds as possible. It’s hilarious, and what’s even better is that it’s streaming for free on YouTube!

Emerson can’t stop talking about Unknown Number: The High School Catfish on Netflix. The documentary unpacks a real-life cyberbullying case that rocked the small community of Beal City, Michigan. In October 2020, 13-year-old Lauryn Licari and her then-boyfriend Owen began receiving suspicious texts from an unknown number. We won’t spoil anything, but it’s a must watch!

Step Into My Office: How do I bring up kink with my partner?

A listener wrote in about being curious about kink but not knowing how to bring it up with her partner. Reading articles and secretly scrolling forums has made her feel excited, seen, and alive, but she’s also been experiencing a lot of shame (BOOOO purity culture!). She wants to bring it up with her partner but is terrified they’ll either judge her, laugh at her, or think she’s lost her mind…but she also doesn’t want to keep it bottled up forever.

SanTasha’s advice starts with recommending visiting your local sex store. The employees are very familiar with all of the products carried, and many stores even have trainings on having a healthy sex life, including kink. It may feel like a safer way to start to introduce the topic with your partner since it adds in a third party who has expertise, in a setting that isn’t your bedroom.

Valerie also suggests framing it as an additive to your existing sexual relationship with your partner vs. framing it as a deficit.

Some other great options to try include a Yes, No, Maybe inventory or the app Spicer!

The DSM: Sex Therapy & Kink

Val starts this segment with asking SanTasha about how she starts conversations about pleasure with sex therapy clients who have only ever experienced sex ed that is all about prevention. SanTasha said she likes to start with asking clients about their favorite things (such as favorite color or food) and exploring why they like those things. Then, she helps clients see how the sensory awareness from these other favorites can be translated into exploring sexual desire and pleasure. She also busts some myths about pleasure and shares important wisdom of viewing sexual pleasure as self-care, not something that should be shameful.

After this, SanTasha shares a bit about how she explains kink to clients who may only know it through stereotypes or pop culture references like Fifty Shades of Grey. First and foremost, she always explains it as a community. Within the community, so much education around consent, boundaries, and possibilities already exists…and in a world that is heavily lacking community, it’s great to be able to explore new interests in a space that already is passionate about helping others dive into the lifestyle.

She also emphasizes the important distinctions between kink and abusive relationships, especially when pain and control are involved. Ultimately, consent, boundaries, and direct communication are the most important elements of any kink dynamic.

Lastly, Val, Emerson, and SanTasha dive into exploring the intersections of multiple identities in sex therapy, including sexual orientation, race, political ideologies, and religion.

Our identities, faith, families, cultures, all leave their fingerprints on how we experience intimacy, desire, and shame. But here’s the truth: your pleasure and relationship to sex and intimacy can be whatever feels good for YOU. So whether you’re curious about kink, questioning old beliefs, or just learning how to want what you want, you’re not alone and you deserve a damn good time!

Now That’s What I Call…OKAAAAY

Sam shares one of her fave songs, Persuasive by Doechii. Doechii is a true visionary with incredible performance quality, and SanTasha loves how the house beat of this song brings her back to her days at her performing arts high school dancing everywhere she was.

Fire Dumpster Phoenix

This week Val shares about a company she loves, Who Gives A Crap. They are a toilet paper subscription service where 50% of profits are donated to help everyone gain access to clean water and a toilet — which could save 1.4 million lives per year!

Emerson’s find for this week is about the non profit Longer Tables whose mission is to bring connection amongst people through shared food and experiences. They hosted the first ever “mile long table” with around 3,400 locals who signed up. The 5,280 foot table served produce from local farmers and hundreds of volunteers served and helped set up this opportunity. Southwest Airlines sponsored this event by flying 10 individuals out to reconnect with loved ones and to make new connections and a rep was quoted stating “The energy at the mile long table was infectious, we believe that community is more than a place; it’s the heart of what brings us all together.”

If you want to learn more about any (or all) of these topics, click the podcast player at the top of this post or the YouTube video down below to listen to the full episode and dive in with us.

Resources + Stuff Mentioned in This Episode:

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DISCLAIMER: But For Real Podcast is not a substitute for individualized mental health treatment or healthcare. This podcast is solely for entertainment and educational purposes. If you are in crisis, please utilize crisis support services, such as the Crisis Text Line (Text START to 741741 in the US) or the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: (Call 988 in the US), or visit www.findahelpline.com for international resources.

Colleen Conklin
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