If you feel like adult life is just full of responsibilities, to-dos, meetings, and seriousness, you’re not alone. With busy schedules and the weight of the world, it’s easy to feel disconnected.

In this episode of But For Real, Valerie and Emerson explore the relationship we have as play as adults, why it’s actually integral to your well-being and how to start inviting in joy again 🫶

This episode covers:

Tea & Crumpets

Emerson is loving her screen free sauna/steam Sunday routine. She leaves her phone in the car while she takes a dip in the pool at her local YMCA, followed by using their sauna and taking a restorative yoga class. It’s been a great opportunity to slow down and go analog.

Valerie can’t stop talking about Freaky Friday + Freakier Friday! She never saw the first movie when it was released, so she recently watched it before watching the sequel. Val has been doing a challenge of becoming the type of person who watches a lot of movies, and this was a great opportunity to lean into fun & nostalgia!

Step Into My Office: How can I get over the fear of looking stupid so that I can find fun?

A listener wrote in about how despite it being the most successful year of their career so far, they feel like something big is missing. They’ve spent so much time focusing on career goals that they feel like they have lost the ability to answer “what do you do for fun” in an embodied, honest way. They wanted to try an adult dance class for fun but felt too embarrassed to go, so they cancelled last minute.

Their question:

How do we get over ourselves enough to pursue what we know will make us feel better?

Val and Emerson gave the advice of looking at how this goal of engaging in a fun activity connects to your values, while also reminding yourself that doing it will help you do better in all aspects of life!

The DSM: The Serious Person’s Guide To Getting Silly Again

Let’s get into the relationship we have as play as adults, why it’s actually integral to your well-being and how to start inviting in joy when you’ve been disconnected for a bit. 🫶

How We Define Play

According to the National Institute for Play, play isn’t defined by what you’re doing — it’s defined by your state of mind. Two people can be doing the same activity — say, tossing a ball or typing on a laptop — and only one is actually playing.

Play is a state of being marked by absorption, curiosity, and joy. Time stretches; self-consciousness fades. The body and mind enter what researchers call the play state — a neurobiological cascade beginning in the midbrain (the same region that drives hunger and care) and lighting up networks across the brain.

Play has these key traits:

It’s intrinsically motivated — done for its own sake, not reward or performance.
It’s voluntary and self-directed — the player chooses the what and how.
It’s process-oriented — the joy is in doing, not achieving.
It’s improvisational — flexible, creative, open to surprise.

Why We Lose Play in Adulthood

Many factors can lead to losing play as adults including: capitalism and the cult of productivity, trauma and nervous system safety, gender and social conditioning, and neurodivergence and masking.

Why This Matters

Regulation: Play activates the social engagement system, helping the nervous system move from defense to connection (Porges, 2011)

Creativity: Play is rehearsal for innovation. Without it, we lose our capacity for flexible thinking
Connection: Couples who play together stay together (Gottman’s research backs this)
Existential Wellbeing: Play reconnects us to aliveness, awe, and meaning — the antidotes to nihilism.

The Science of Play

Researchers at the National Institute for Play explain that play isn't just a “nice-to-have” — it’s hard-wired into our brains. The emotional circuit for play lives deep in the midbrain, alongside primal drives like caring, fear, and panic as explored by neuroscientist Jaak Panksepp.

Brain scans show that when we engage in playful activity (throwing a ball, roughhousing, joking with a friend), those ancient “play circuits” light up. Those signals then ripple up to the cortex and cerebellum, helping us form neural pathways that support lifelong wellbeing.

Importantly: each of us has a unique “play nature” — our preferred way of playing (movement, objects, social, fantasy) is almost as distinctive as our fingerprint. And when adults stop activating those circuits, the consequences show up: a lack of optimism, rigidity in thinking, diminished adaptability, and increased susceptibility to low mood.

In other words, play is not optional. It’s as foundational to human flourishing as eating and sleeping.

The paradox: we seek control to feel safe — yet play requires surrender. The cure for over-control is not more control; it’s curiosity.
The invitation: take life seriously enough to play with it.

How To Start Inviting Play

So… what do we do with all this?

We can’t just tell our nervous systems, “Okay, go be whimsical now.” Most of us need an invitation — a safe, slightly ridiculous permission slip back to joy.

Here’s the truth: you don’t need to “learn to play.” You just need to notice what already feels like aliveness and stop apologizing for it.

Rebrand “Fun” as Nervous System Practice
Follow the Spark, Not the Skill
Reconnect with Childhood Play Types
Make It Social (When You’re Ready)
Protect It Like Therapy

Play is how the soul stretches its legs. If you’ve been carrying the world like it’s your job, remember that play isn’t frivolous, it’s data. It tells you what feels alive, what’s worth protecting, what still matters to you and is integral to your mental well-being.

GO BE WEIRD, go be BAD at something, take a healthy risk and let your freak flag fly because the fear of being judged is the only thing in your power holding yourself back.

Now That’s What I Call…OKAAAAY

Em’s pick for the week is Girl of your dreams by Eli. 25 year old Eli is making her break into the music industry with her debut album Stage Girl, a story about a small town midwestern girl with big dreams to move to LA to find her superstardom!

Val’s pick is Have you checked your butthole? by Tom Cardy, an Australian comedian, musician, songwriter, and actor. Cardy's style of musical comedy often incorporates elements of awkward humor, observational humor, and surreal humor!

Fire Dumpster Phoenix

Val’s find for this week is Tiffany Haddish’s She Ready Foundation. She Ready Foundation serves as the voice of foster children suffering in silence. Adapting the belief of its’ founder that, "Every child who is removed from their parents deserves to have a suitcase, a safe place to lay their head, and a platform to follow their dreams,” the She Ready Foundation aspires to help make this happen through collaborative partnerships.

Emerson’s find for this week - Henry the 1200 lb polar bear of the Cochrane Habitat in Ontario was a sight to see when he was given a 1400 lb pumpkin to eat! One of his caretakers mystically came upon this huge pumpkin on the road when driving to work, and after calling and discovering it was dropped on accident but was going to be left there to compost, they decided to bring it as a gift to Henry to enjoy! He was quite shocked and defensive at first seeing something bigger than him, but soon tucked in to his pumpkin and passed out in glee.

If you want to learn more about any (or all) of these topics, click the podcast player at the top of this post or the YouTube video down below to listen to the full episode and dive in with us.

Resources + Stuff Mentioned in This Episode:

Connect with Us:

Send a story or ask for advice: butforrealpod@gmail.com
But For Real on IG: @butforrealpod
Now That's What I Call... OKAAAAY Playlist
The Gaia Center on IG: @thegaiacenter
Val on IG: @valkaymartin
The Gaia Center website: www.gaiacenter.co

DISCLAIMER: But For Real Podcast is not a substitute for individualized mental health treatment or healthcare. This podcast is solely for entertainment and educational purposes. If you are in crisis, please utilize crisis support services, such as the Crisis Text Line (Text START to 741741 in the US) or the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: (Call 988 in the US), or visit www.findahelpline.com for international resources.

But For Real Episode 32: The Serious Person’s Guide To Getting Silly Again 🤪